Building Self-Trust: Listening to the Inner Compass

Written By Julie Brown

We’ve all been there, standing motionless, overwhelmed by choice… It happens to the best of us– when we’re faced with a scheduling decision, a request from a peer or partner, or an intuitive feeling you’re not quite sure what to do with… the thing that comes next is always a choice. In some situations, the choice is obvious, but in others, the path is not so clear. In other circumstances still, a person may choose to not move at all. The psyche might begin to trip over obstacles to decision-making by considering all possible outcomes (realistic or not), anticipating the worst result, and second-guessing the decision. Sound familiar? We’ve all done it, but some folks have a much more difficult time than others committing to even just the very next step. What I’m essentially describing is the absence of self-trust– the compassionate and reliable relationship with yourself that honors your inner voice and follows through in ways that support your values and well-being.     

What can happen instead for many is a kind of self-abandonment, making a decision that may keep the peace but doesn’t move you forward or support what you actually need. Self-trust is eroded by self-abandonment, and oftentimes, a person may not even see it clearly until after the fact. How many times have you or a loved one said, “I knew I should’ve… If only I had…”

This can be frustrating for many because upon reflection, they might find that the voice of intuition was there all along– it was just being talked over. So what gets in the way of having a trusting relationship with the self? As you might already know, survival conditioning can do a number on the nervous system. Growing up with a parent who had loud or big emotions, having an overly critical teacher or coach in formative years, or even dating partners with dominating personalities can all drown out a person’s intuitive voice. This then results in a relationship with the self that is noisy with second-guessing, overcommiting, and ignoring your own needs. But, even in more subtle ways, we might find that the inner voice is occluded by brainhabits like perfectionism, procrastination, relying on external validation to feel grounded, second-guessing, or comparing yourself to other people. All of these habits train your nervous system to believe you are a person who lacks follow-through. Two other widely familiar habits are dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. These two habits are particularly insidious because they trick the brain into thinking they are a productive use of time. In reality, they keep focus locked on all the worst case scenarios you ought to avoid, instead of living in the moment and watching yourself handle your circumstances with capability. Our brains love a habit– they thrive on predictability, even if the path those neurons have carved are not helpful ones to us. But it is possible to change the direction of your focus away from the noise of past trauma and preventative habits toward the present-day voice of inner knowing instead.


So where does a person go from here? 

The bad news is: self-trust is not something you find, it has to be built from the inside. 

The good news is: it can be built from the inside! Through an evolving relationship with your internal world. Self-trust is not only repairable, but it stays dynamic– built through honesty, responsiveness, and making different choices.

A short self-trust ritual for moments of feeling caught at the crossroads:

Pause. Deep breath. 
What is being asked of me? Or What is the decision at hand?
What do I feel about this right now?
What do I need right now?
What else do I feel pulled to do and why?                                                                                                                                                     
Does that support my present-day need?
Act. Respond in one small way, without further questioning or second-guessing.

These concepts can obviously apply to high stakes emotional circumstances, or to smaller personal decisions that feel emotionally laden as well. For example, a person may find themselves churning and churning over which color sweater to buy, perhaps overwhelmed by memories of a previous controlling partner criticizing their wardrobe choices. They might understandably feel very stuck. Receiving repeated criticism, in this example, has reinforced the shameful voice of the internal critic. That voice has become loud, creating a reliance upon external factors for decision-making because they have learned that they are not to be trusted with decisions like this. 

But by using body sensations as a cue, a person in a stuck place like this can learn to make a self-empowered choice. They might let their eyes rest first on blue, and then on red. Maybe blue gives them a slight sense of peace and a pull toward it that red does not. That is the small voice of inner knowing saying, “this is the color that resonates with me, and it doesn’t matter if it resonates with anyone else.” With even just small, mindful steps like this, a person can slowly gain deeper knowledge of self that will support them when making bigger decisions. This is how a person is brought into alignment with themselves. Ritualized thought processes like this can be practiced repeatedly and intentionally, until they become a way of life.


Now, let’s add another layer. The trick to decreasing the agony of making the most aligned decision for you is to act without further questioning or second-guessing. This may sound impossible to many, but the key to progress is in your willingness to bring the mind back when it wanders into judgment. The art of liberated living is in the return– returning to the goal of stepping before you’re ready and watching yourself succeed in handling whatever comes next, even if each step along the way is bumpy. Our bodies are constantly offering us information by way of the senses– tension, ease, curiosity, resistance, heat, or a sense of calm coolness. Learning to trust yourself begins with noticing and reading these sensations or impulses as signals. By leaning into the data that the body offers, you can learn to override the “shoulds” that cloud your organic judgment. 

Now, let’s just normalize something. You might drift, and you might not follow through perfectly every time. The noise of external trends or expectations may feel louder than any cues you’re able to receive from your body at times. But trust is built in returning to yourself the next time. You can always begin again, responding to the internal world of your own desires and values by assessing your capacity and evaluating the truth of what you feel and need. Many people live by maps they didn’t create themselves, and they must learn to orient to their own internal compass instead (could link to the last blog or the blog before here, whichever one talks about the internal compass). So chart your own map! Keep small promises to yourself, and watch your follow-through blossom.

One final take-home secret…
We don’t always receive clarity before acting.
Often clarity is actually revealed after taking the first step and listening to how it feels.

This can be tough for the more anxious or traumatized among us, which makes the work of self-growth and transformation an incredibly brave endeavor. 

For those who feel lost, or who don’t feel safe enough in their body to begin paying attention to it in this way, there is help for you– you don’t have to walk alone. Sometimes the process of becoming a person who listens and responds to yourself begins by having another person show you what being responded to feels like. Someone who can model consistency so that you can learn to return to yourself in the same way.

Get in touch today if this feels like it could be the beginning of your story.


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REFERENCES:

Julie Brown
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