In last month’s blog, we talked about psychological flexibility and the capacity to experiment without having to know the outcome. Now, as important as play is to enriching our adult lives, realistically, there will also be situations that require us to tolerate less-than-ideal outcomes. Have you ever been in an environment that was supposed to be fun, relaxing, or exciting—but something outside of your control threatened to hijack the experience?
Maybe a family gathering turns into an argument you didn’t see coming.
Maybe you’re on vacation when your flight gets cancelled, your hotel room has a problem, or someone you love calls with unexpected news.
Maybe you’re at a music festival and someone nearby has a medical emergency.
Some situations may have less drama to them, but your mind is no less hijacked. You could be waiting for an important conversation, sitting in the doctor’s office, or watching someone you love make a decision you can’t make for them.
Your internal experience may suddenly… change.
And then what?
Our brains are remarkably good at detecting changes in our environment—one of the evolutionary adaptations that helps keep us safe. If something feels unpredictable or potentially threatening, our nervous systems can activate a stress response, preparing us to fight, flee, or freeze. Most people can remember a time when they scanned the room, perceived something potentially amiss, and began imagining what could happen next while mapping out an escape plan.
Our brains like predictability. When we know what’s coming, we can prepare. When we can predict an outcome, we can make a plan. And when we have a plan, we often feel safer.
But what happens when there is no plan that can guarantee the outcome? And what happens if living in a perpetual state of escape-planning robs us of enjoying the present moment? This is what can happen when the fear of uncertainty becomes the primary motivator, sometimes even more than the actual “what-if” in question.
Psychologists often use the term intolerance of uncertainty to describe the tendency to experience not knowing as particularly distressing or threatening. For some, uncertainty doesn’t just feel uncomfortable—it feels unsurvivable. Something that desperately needs to be solved, which prompts them to try to think harder.
This is the exact approach that can prompt people to endlessly research illnesses or options, check and double-check locks, perpetually ask for reassurance, try to predict every possible outcome, and avoid situations that could be outside of their control.
But what a double-edged sword these methods can be! Sometimes these strategies really are useful—planning, preparation, and reasonable risk assessment are all important aspects of taking care of ourselves as adults. On the other side of the blade, though, a person moves beyond preparing for uncertainty into trying to eliminate it completely.
And this, of course, is an unachievable goal.
There will always be things we cannot predict! We enter relationships with people who have free will. We make plans even though the details can change. We have bodies that sometimes get sick. Sometimes, despite doing everything “right,” difficult things still happen.
The goal, then, isn’t to convince ourselves that bad things will never happen. The goal is actually about building the capacity to say, “I don’t know what will happen, but I can tolerate finding out.”
And slowly, by practicing this over and over again, the priority shifts from control to confidence despite not knowing. “I don’t know what will happen, but I can tolerate finding out. AND I can handle navigating the outcome.”
And this is where the concept of psychological flexibility re-enters the chat!
It isn’t about becoming careless. It’s not about throwing caution to the wind and giving up your agency. It’s about being able to distinguish between what is within our control, outside of our control, and somewhere in between.
I can’t control whether someone gets upset with me. I can control whether I communicate with them honestly. I can’t control whether another person follows through. I can control what I do when they don’t.
The formula changes when we learn to think like this! Instead of needing to know, “Will everything be okay?”
We can begin asking, “If things aren’t okay, can I trust in my ability to navigate them?”
That is a very different question—no predicting the future, just meeting it with confidence.
So, the next time you notice yourself trying very hard to predict or control an outcome, pause.
Take one slow breath.
Then ask yourself:
What am I actually worried might happen?
What is and is not within my control?
If the thing I’m afraid of did happen, how would I want to respond?
Move forward.