More Of You, More For You

Have you ever had one of those moments where fear seems to take over your whole being? How about self-doubt? Do you feel small in those moments? On the other hand, maybe you’ve had the more pleasant experience of feeling completely calm and in control of your circumstances.

Moments like these can be derailing – as if you’re living as a completely different version of yourself. In one moment, we might feel capable, playful, sensual, ambitious, or deeply connected to the people around us. In another, we might feel afraid, guarded, exhausted, or uncertain of every decision we make.

But what if all of these experiences were simply parts of you?

Our internal worlds are complex. We develop different ways of responding to the world based on our encounters, adventures, traumas, relationships, responsibilities, and the lessons we’ve had to learn along the way. Sometimes one part of us becomes particularly practiced at taking the lead. For example, maybe the part that protects you gets loud, with a little more ease than the rest. Or maybe, the perfectionist tends to take over. The grieving part might need space, or the ambitious part wants to move forward. Maybe, the playful part speaks up because life is better when it’s fun.

As you might imagine, when we’ve been stressed or hurt for a long time, some of those rooms within ourselves might become harder to access. But it doesn’t mean those parts are gone forever, they may simply need an invitation.

If you imagine yourself as a house with many rooms, there might be one room where you keep your courage. A room where you rest. The room where you create. The room where you grieve. The room where you experience pleasure and make plans for the future. And maybe somewhere in there, there’s a room where you’ve been protecting everyone else’s emotions for a very long time.

Well, healing isn’t necessarily about getting rid of any of these rooms. It’s about becoming a person who has access to more of them. More hallways between, if you will.

Hallways, in this metaphor, become accessible to us through the power of self-reflection. When we learn to recognize which part of us is speaking or which mental room we are standing in, we gain a little more choice about where we go next. For example, the voice of fear might feel very loud to you on a particular day, and you might feel like any decision you make needs to be led by it. But, the ambitious part of you over in the Ambition Room might have beautiful ideas too, allowing the protector part in the Threat Detection Room to take a little rest. This is the kind of internal teamwork that can happen when different parts of you learn they can help– because they can handle what comes next. 

Integration doesn’t mean becoming perfectly calm, confident, or consistent. It means becoming more familiar with yourself, all of yourself. A person doing the work of integration becomes more able to notice what is happening inside and to choose which parts of you need attention in the moment. Eventually, this makes them more able to move through life with access to a wider range of emotional choices.

A Small Integration Ritual

The next time you notice yourself having a strong emotional reaction, pause before trying to change it.

Take one slow breath.

Then ask:

What part of me is here right now? What room am I in?
What is this part feeling?
What is it trying to accomplish? Or what is it trying to tell me?
Is there another part that might be helpful here?
Does this part need to lead? Or simply be heard?
You don’t have to argue with yourself. You don’t have to make the feeling disappear.

Just listen.

Then imagine opening another door inside yourself.

Imagine walking into the hallway and opening a new door.

Maybe it’s a playful part in the Fun Room, or a wise and grounded part in an armchair. Maybe the part that knows how to rest winks at you, peering out from under some cucumber slices. 

Or the part that is ready to move forward takes a deep breath and meets you in the hallway.

You don’t have to choose one part and exile the others. There’s actually more for you when there are more parts of you.Give yourself a chance to explore the hallways today.